Never question a Drunk!

[Rufus T. Firefly]

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two!

One to change the light bulb and one to observe how the light bulb symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a netherworld of cosmic nothingness.

[rogruth]

By gum,I think he's got it.

[E7]

The Taliban and the Jewish tie vendor

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he
saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a
small stand, selling Neck ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you,
but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie
and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that
hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold
water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said, "Your brother won't let me in
without a Tie!!!


Rich

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Jake was stopped by a Game Warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin’ a cove well-known for its fishing.

The Game Warden asked him, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”

“Naw, sir”, replied Jake. “I ain’t got none of them there licenses. You must understand that these here fish are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish?”

“Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let’em swim ‘round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take’em home.”

“That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that!”

Jake looked at the Warden for a moment and then said, “It’s the truth, Mr. Government Man. I’ll show ya. It really works.”

“Ok,” said the Warden. “I’ve got to see this!”

Jake poured the fish back into the lake and stood and waited.

After a few minutes the Warden says, “Well?”

“Well, what?”, said Jake.

The warden says, “When are you going to call them back?”

“Call who back?”

“The FISH!”, replied the Warden.

“What fish?”, replied Jake.

[E7]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:



1.Cashtration(n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.



2.Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *sshole.



3.Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.



4.Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.



5.Bozone(n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.



6.Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid



7.Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.



8.Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.



9.Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.



10.Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)



11.Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.



12.Decafalon(n): The grueling event of! getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.



13.Glibido: All talk and no action.



14.Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.



15.Arachnoleptic Fit(n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.



16.Beelzebug(n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.



17.Caterpallor(n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.



And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.



2.Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.



3.Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.



4.Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.



5.Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.



6.Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.



7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.



8.Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.



9.Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.



10.Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.



11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.



12.Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.



13.Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.



14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.



15.Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.



16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.


Rich

[rogruth]

Why don't you guys post these on OGR and OGH?

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Why don't you guys post these on OGR and OGH?

That would require the acquisition of a sense of humor in both locales which no doubt would result in an implosion of the operators thereof and therein.

While that action and result might be an attractive consequence, it's also one that is beyond our current control.

[rogruth]

I knew I would get an accurate and appropriate reason.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

I knew I would get an accurate and appropriate reason.

Oh, well If you want an accurate and appropriate reason. you'll have to consult Ciccolini for a full detailed report of his investigation.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEabC9WzHck

Be sure to listen carefully to his partner, Pinky.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFk0Bnxn ... re=related

[rogruth]

Rufus,

I love your associates and relatives.They could change the world.
Well,you too.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Rufus,

I love your associates and relatives.They could change the world.
Well,you too.

I'm against it! I'm opposed to it! On general principles, I'm opposed to it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4v3etuIw ... re=related

[rogruth]

That's Ok.Somehow Mr.Firefly,or what ever name he is using,always comes out ahead.

[E7]

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE (formerly of Monty Python)

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

A final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC."

Rich

[rogruth]

Rich,

I wonder why he ignored us,the U.S.A.?
Otherwise---

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A Southern Baptist preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front, by the altar."

With that, Tyrone got in line.

When it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Tyrone, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Tyrone replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Tyrone's ear, placed his other hand on top of Tyrone's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Tyrone, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Tyrone, how is your hearing now?"

Tyrone answered, "I don't know, Man. My hearing ain't ‘til next week."